Oh, darling, are you just... buried... under a mountain of... tech... bollocks? Have you got absolutely no idea what... any... of it is? Or where you're meant to be going?
Look, darling, it's like this: We systematically... (ugh, that word!)... rummage through the entire wardrobe. All the "hardware" and "software" and all those dreadful "processes"... We're basically going through the closet!
We find the skeletons, sweetie! All the "hidden vulnerabilities"—the moths, the polyester, the total fashion faux pas! And then we "validate strengths," which is just us finding the one... divine... piece of vintage Lacroix hidden at the back.
We'll tell you if this whole shambles is going to last ("long-term viability," darling) before you make any of those massive "critical decisions"... you know, like buying the whole shop, or raising capital (which just means more shopping, sweetie!).
And then... we give you the "evidence-based findings." It's a "clear, factual foundation"—bollocks, it's a list, darling! It's a report!
It just... it "reduces uncertainty" (stops the panic, sweetie!) and helps all the... people in suits... ("stakeholders," darling) agree on what improvements to make. It's all just... managed.
Honestly, it's that simple
If you must clutter your divine mind with the 'how,' this... paper... (ugh, words!)... is exactly where we've hidden our agonizingly clever 'method.' It explains everything! All the ghastly little horrors we hunt for, and precisely how brilliant we are at finding them.
Oh, sweetie, pondering? Don't just stand there in that... box... looking... thoughtful! Give us a ring!
That first little natter... the "is-this-ghastly-or-genius?" advice... is absolutely free.